


Les Sacrifices auront leurs Conséquences

by Bad_Panda_K



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Carmilla - Freeform, F/F, Hollstein - Freeform, LaFerry - Freeform, Multi, Romance, Sad, girlxgirl, gxg, panther, vampire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9377456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bad_Panda_K/pseuds/Bad_Panda_K
Summary: This is an extension off the end of season 3, taking the podcasts into account, but this is still BEFORE the movie. The title translates roughly to 'Sacrifices will have their Consequences', I think this explains itself, but this will basically be about how everyone tries to reconstruct their lives and the school following the events of season 1, 2, and 3.Much thanks to AddlctWlthAPen for the inspiration and encouragement to pursue this.





	1. Prologue - J'avais tort

After crawling from the hell pit I had hoped things would turn around. I hoped that we would be able to rebuild our school, our friendships, ourselves... our relationship.

Sure, I knew all the miniature dragons and harpies wouldn't be that easy to get rid of, but I thought maybe, just maybe, things would go back to normal. Granted, normal at Silas was and is anything but normal by worldly standards. Silas has always been dangerous and chaotic, but it's always been a wonderful and fulfilling adventure.

As for our friends, I hoped that the ginger trio would reassemble to help Carmilla and I rebuild the campus and keep Kirsch alive and out of Mel's way. I thought that maybe, LaF would forgive us and Perry would be okay. I thought that after everything died down that Danny would come back and keep fighting with Kirsch over the Summer Society and the Zeta Bros.

I thought that after all this, Carm would help Danny be a vampire and Danny would help Carm be human-ish. Maybe LaF could make themselves a laser eye and Perry, Kirsch, and I would walk away with a new perspective and no PSTD whatsoever.

I desperately hoped that Carmilla and I were past all this. That we could just forget the self-sacrificing crap and all the lies and deceit. That maybe she and I would just be. That we would just be two people in love.

I was wrong.


	2. 1. Je suis tellement désolé

"So... Hey, everyone. I know I promised Car-... I know I promised I would stop with the videos after all that happened, but I couldn't just leave the story unfinished." Laura sighed and brushed her matted hair out of her face, showing the exhaustion. 

"Well, I guess you all know that Carmilla and I went down to the pit to challenge the Dean and hopefully somehow save Perry. What we didn't know was that the Dean actually needed all four talismans to get through the final gate. That wouldn't have been a problem if it had been Vordenberg's heart that she needed. Turns out that when Ghost Mattie told me to 'follow my heart' she was being pretty literal." 

This was hard for Laura. Harder than it should have been. Her hands were shaking, it was obvious that she hadn't showered in days, and her eyes were still red and stinging from the previous night. 

"So I guess when I k-killed Vordenberg, my heart became the talisman instead of his, cause it has to be living or whatever. After LaF dropped in all Rocky and Bullwinkle style and got their eye torn out, the Dean decided to take my heart as the final talisman." Her breath was coming in shudders now, making her hope she could get through this. 

"I guess it didn't matter though, cause whoever the Dean was looking for wasn't there when she opened the gate. From there it went downhill. Like it could get any worse right?" She tried to laugh at her joke, but it came out so sore and foreign, like she was just a voice in a soulless body. 

Picking up her famed TARDIS mug and taking a small sip of the burning hot black coffee, she refocused, finding the camera with her tired eyes again.

"Anyways, the Dean then decided that if she couldn't have what she wanted, the world didn't deserve to continue on. She was so filed with sorrow and longing... I felt sorry for her. To want to someone back so bad to tear apart the world..." She shook her head, remembering her conversations with Carmilla shortly before the big battle. "I figured that if I could somehow show her that she could still live, that there was still h-hope... So, I forced myself up and tried to show her that. I don't really know how it worked, but I just hugged her." 

She slumped back in her chair, looking out a window to the side of the camera. "I guess... that's when I d-died." She scooted back up, setting the hot cup back on the desk and continued gazing out the window. "So, once she ascended back to wherever she came from, she tried to give back what she took. She couldn't save me, but she made Carm mortal again, trying to save her from suffering I guess."

She turned her eyes to her lap to start picking at her nails. "I guess that's when Mattie popped up. Carmilla figured that if I could strike a deal to save her, she could do the same for me, especially since she was mortal now. That's exactly what she did. She challenged a damn death goddess to bring me back." Her words turned bitter, her jaw tensing, but her eyes still drawn down, showing sadness through and through. 

"She won. The death goddess showed her mercy, giving her a riddle. At least, that's how Kirsch explained it." She faced the camera again. "When I came back, everything was... well it was happy and hopeful. It was exciting, new, and a bit strange. All of the sudden Carmilla was mortal, I was still alive, and Perry was back to being Perry. So, we climbed out of the pit, Carm running out of breath a lot faster than normal." She grinned the slightest bit at the thought before shaking her head and refocusing.

"When we reached the gates we found Mel and everyone else. My dad had somehow magically convinced the Bundespolizei to loan him the use of a helicopter and bring half the available armed forces to the campus, despite the obvious invasions of biblical level plagues and magical creatures." She scooted back and pulled her legs up to her chest, linking her hands around them to stop the shaking.

"After the ice cream and tetanus shots he promised, we all were booked into the only motel rooms still left with all flights grounded at the nearby airport. Thus the awful wallpaper and unpleasantly stained sheets..." She took her hands away from her legs long enough to wave around her head in her tiny gay fashion. "At first, things were fine. Kirsch and my dad were running around caring for everyone, LaF and Perry were finding comfort in old routines and their usual bickering, and Carm and I... W-Well we were just happy to be together and s-safe."

She started sniffling again, blinking her eyes rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "It didn't take long before everything fell apart. It's only been 4 days since we crawled out and Kirsch is hospitalized, Perry has shut everyone out and won't come out of her room, LaF is locked away in their makeshift lab and is throwing things at anyone who tries to talk to them, I'm just here waiting for everything to settle down before dad drags me home for a couple of months so the staff can rebuild enough to start classes again, and Carm... she's g-gone." 

Laura openly started sobbing at this point, trying to speak through the sobs. "W-We fought last night. I thought we were okay, b-but... I don't know. We just got so m-mad at each other and she just w-walked away... I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." 

Her whole body was quaking with sobs, but she managed to reach forward and turn off the camera.


	3. 2. J'ai besoin de ton pardon

Forgiveness. It was a concept that they were all having to learn. From the very beginning, there was a need for it. From hurt feelings to physical wounds, they all had something to be sorry for and they all had something to forgive someone for. 

Before Lophiiformes and the Dean were killed the first time, it was all small things that had to be forgiven. After however, things changed. Not only were feelings hurt, but trust was betrayed, beliefs were challenged, family was betrayed, friends were killed, and people were asked to change when it wasn't them who needed changing.

Everything and everyone was hurt in one way or another and it tore relationships to shreds, leaving some feeling abandoned just when things went from bad to awful. 

Just when everyone had seemingly both repaired themselves and forgiven each other, the fallout came. It was almost like their very own Chernobyl had happened. 

The explosion happened, spreading debris and sending everyone fleeing. Just when they thought they escaped and started rebuilding they realized that all along, the fallout was waiting just below the surface. As soon as they found shelter and a bit of peace, the anger, hurt, and disappointment rose up from the ground like lethal radiation, seeping into their skin. It was uncontrollable, messy, and destructive to every part of who they were and what they had.

Carmilla knew that she needed to forgive Laura. She knew she probably needed some forgiveness from Laura as well. Actually forgiving her or asking for it though? That was one thing she wasn't so sure she could do yet. She thought she had already forgiven her for what happened with Danny and Mattie, but she wasn't sure now. The self-sacrifice, the lying, and having to say goodbye to Ghost Mattie. It was too much. It made her feel like they hadn't made any progress at all. She thought that after over 300 years, she would've figured out how to deal with stuff like this. 

After walking out on Laura the night before, Carmilla had decided that she needed to run. Feeling the cold air beat her lungs and her legs aching. Both, were somewhat new experiences, but they were also a good distraction, clearing her racing mind. What she didn't realize was that she had a limit now. Her semi-human body couldn't teleport on command, she couldn't run for hours on end without losing her breath, and she was more sensitive to the cold. 

She found herself running out of energy and the ability to keep going after about 12 kilometers. Slowing down, she tried to steady her breath, feeling the cold begin to reach her bones and make her shiver. 

She didn't feel like she could go back, not only was she getting really tired from all that had happened on top of the running, but she wasn't sure she could face anyone, let alone Laura.

When she looked up from her thoughts, she realized that she had run back to the campus and was near where their old dorms were. The building was in tatters now, mostly collapsed and partially sunken in the ground. It was oddly beautiful to her philosophy major mind. A building, seemingly like her, old and tattered. It was in a new phase, once tall and majestic, housing knowledge and beauty, it now only barely held itself above the ground, housing only destruction and harried wild life. 

It wasn't much anymore, but she figured it would be a good place to hole up for the night if she could find even a partially intact room. The room she had shared with Laura, as well as most of the surrounding rooms were already gone, likely broken and scattered into the tunnels below. 

She managed to crawl through a window just above the ground and slide into the room, landing up against what would have been a bed, but was now just tattered blankets and broken wood. She figured that it would have to do with how cold and tired she was, 'Stupid frail human body.' 

Curling up into the corner as best she could, she covered herself with the remains of blankets and sheets, getting as comfortable and warm as possible in the ruins of the dormitory. Not long after she gave into exhaustion.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"We need to do a sweep of the remaining campus structures Polizeirat, sir! There have to be more students on that campus that need our help." The commissioner looked sternly at Sherman Hollis, thinking for a moment about the situation. He was right, the likelihood of there being students in need of help was high, but the Bundespolizei was already spread so thin. Sherman had been pleading with him for an hour at least, trying to get him to understand that if this was where his children were attending he would do the same.

"Alright, fine. We do one sweep and then we are out of here in the morning, we need to get to helping in the cities and at the airport. When we leave tomorrow, I also expect you to take your daughter and her friends straight home and out of the way of the Bundespolizei." Sherman nodded curtly and rushed out the makeshift headquarters tent to start prepping for the search.

With so few standing structures left on campus, it didn't take long for the Bundespolizei to search. They were closing in on the western side by mid-afternoon, reaching the dormitory. There they dragged out only one student, the pale and shivering Carmilla. 

It may have been the end of summer, but Germany was still frequently cold at night and with all the mystic events the campus weather was on the fritz leaving it freezing cold and very wet.

She was quickly wrapped in a reflective blanket and put in the back of a flatbed truck to be taken back with any others. Sherman quickly spotted her after finishing his final sweep on another building. Rushing over, worry grew in his features, his only thoughts being why she wasn't with Laura and if she was okay. 

"Carmilla, sweetheart, what are you doing out here? Are you hurt? Did they get you enough heat packets to warm you?" He began to ramble, but she stopped him, interrupting, "Please, just stop. I'm fine." Her mussed hair covered most of her face but he could tell that she was drained and upset. "Carmilla, what happened? Why aren't you with my Laura?" 

She shook her head and turned from him, "I left her." "What? Did you two fight? Did you just need a break? Cause I can understand that, my wife and I, before she passed, fought all the time an-" He wasn't understanding. "No. I. Left. Her. We're done. Finished. OVER." Sherman was stunned and backed away slightly. "Oh. Now surely you don't mean that. You two-... you two are perfect. I haven't seen anything like that since my wife and I got married." Carmillla picked up her head and glared at him with everything she had left, raising her voice, "No, you don't get it. We're done! I can't do it! I can't go back to her! I can't forgive her!"

He was silent for a moment, holding her gaze despite the looks they were getting from the few nearby Bundespolizei. "Come on." He told her. "What?" "Come on, get in." He motioned to the cab of the truck and climbed in the cab on the drivers side. Carmilla sat there for a moment, stunned. She thought he would back down and just leave her alone. Deciding she didn't have the energy to fight, she got down from the bed and climbed into the passenger side, holding the reflective blanket tight around her shoulders. 

"Look, I don't know what happened and I'm sure that it must have been pretty big for you to leave her." She made a snide laughter noise and turned her head the window. Sherman sighed and looked at Carmilla softly. "Alright, let's try that again. I know, it's not easy to forgive. It's one of the hardest things for a person to do. But realize this, you've seen what it's like to be happy and in love. You know what it is to be free."   
Her shoulders slumped slightly and her face softened, though he couldn't see it. "The reality is that if you ever want that freedom, if you ever want things to be that good again you have to forgive. You can never be free if you are holding on to anger and blame that tightly, even if you do leave. I'm sure that somewhere in that 300-year-old wisdom of yours, you can find that I'm right. Have you ever been free when you've held on to something?" He left the question open, getting out of the truck to clear his leaving with the commissioner since they were so close to the end of the campus sweep.

Soon, he was back in the truck, starting it and heading back towards the small base they had constructed in front of the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Polizeirat - equivalent to Major in the Army, I'm assuming this would be a good rank to be leading the rescue mission with the Bundespolizei being stretched so thin due to the 'plauges'


	4. 3. J'ai besoin de fermeture

It took Sherman roughly a half hour to drive back to the hotel base, the ground and weather making it more difficult to drive. Carmilla sat in the passenger seat silently staring out the window. 

The air wasn't quite tense, but rather forlorn, the weather reflecting it perfectly. The gray skies hiding the sun away and the green of the summer trees looking muted, dark, and dreary. 

Sherman was saddened, not by the state of the campus and the foliage, but rather by the state of his beloved girls. Though Carmilla was still fairly new to his life, he knew how much she meant to his Laura and how much she had done for her. From just their conversations in the Library he knew she was special and he should do his best to make her feel like part of the family.

As he was prepping that morning he saw Laura sneaking off to his room. He unfortunately couldn't go and see why she wasn't with Carm resting in their room, but now he understood. 

Knowing his daughter, she would probably stay there all day and ask to curl up on the small couch for the night, needing her father and a little bit of comfort despite knowing she's the one who needs to fix this. No matter how mature she had shown herself to be, Laura was still a little 19-year-old who wasn't quite ready for the world and all its evils. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Sherman pulled into the parking lot, parking the truck right in front of Laura and Carmilla's room. Carmilla shook herself to focus when she felt the truck stop and shut off. Looking ahead of her, her face grew cold and stern. "You're not expecting me to go in there?" She asked, not really wanting an answer. "Yes, I am. She's not in there." He looked at her with sad eyes and nodded towards the neighboring room, "She's in my room. Has been since early this morning and it's not likely she'll dare going back till tomorrow morning. Go clean yourself up and get some rest." Carmilla nodded and clambered out of the truck, folding the reflective blanket in half and leaving it on the seat. "Thanks." She mumbled out, not turning to look at him again.

Pulling a key card from her back pocket, she slid into the room, taking in the smell of the cheap roach infested room mixed with Laura's familiar hot chocolate and vanilla scent. She closed the door behind her and looked around. 

Laura had left her TARDIS mug with black coffee on the desk next to her laptop. Carmilla realized that she must have been real rough off after the previous night to be drinking coffee, let alone black coffee. She looked at the computer with slight curiosity as to what Laura could have possibly been doing. She touched the mouse pad to wake it up and saw the podcast upload screen.

Her first reaction was more anger. Why on earth would Laura go and post more about their lives now? After all this hadn't she learned her lesson? Apparently not.

Her second reaction was desperation for things to be like they were when she came back from the pit the first time. Holding hands behind the pillow, making out on camera and faking a disgust for the PG-13, and champagne mixed with stars and very non-PG-13 things.

Her third reaction was apathy. She grabbed the mug, taking a sip of the very cold, very bitter coffee, and turned to sit on the bed. She was much too exhausted to be worrying about a stupid podcast right then.

She needed a shower, but that could wait. She needed sleep. Her semi-human body shouting out to her to rest and relieve it of all the tension that had built up in her joints and muscles. 

Setting the mug down on the bedside table, she swung her legs over and laid down, Laura's scent enveloping her. At first it was comforting, but it quickly grew to be too much. She got back up and grabbed a blanket to lay down on the small couch next to the desk. It wasn't very big, more the size of a love seat, but it worked, her exhaustion making her more apathetic than ever as to where she slept. In mere minutes she fell into a fitful sleep.

Carmilla had always had nightmares, especially after Ell and the being buried in the coffin of blood. It came with the territory of being a creature of the night. Nothing good could ever come from the dark and death. 

Being turned semi-human didn't change anything. The only time she found any solace in her dreams were the brief periods of peace with Ell or Laura between chaos.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Laura, though she didn't want to, knew she needed to go and collect things to shower with. She didn't want to subject her dad or anyone else to how she smelled right now. She figured gathering her yellow pillow   
and mug might be good as well, hopefully to give some comfort. 

She hoped that Carmilla was either still out or asleep when she opened the door. Thankfully, as she peeked in, Carmilla was asleep, but it didn't look peaceful, her sharp features were knotted and tense. She scolded herself for letting her eyes linger and turned to collect her things. 

As she began grabbing her things from the shower, she heard a muffled shout. Turning and sticking her head out of the bathroom, she saw that Carmilla had pulled the blanket away, clenching it in her paled fists, and was now mumbling. She looked so pained and scared. It hurt Laura to see her that way, even with the words that had been slung like bullets the previous night. 

She watched for a moment to see if it was going to stop on its own or if she really did need to intervene and risk getting choked by Carmilla in a startle reaction, which had happened before. 

Luckily it stopped, but only because Carmilla woke. She sat up quickly, her breath coming in quick shallow gasps and her grip tightening further on the blanket. She didn't notice Laura, who was still peeking around the corner of the attached bathroom. 

Laura took a small step out to make herself visible, but still keeping herself feeling small and safe, and spoke quietly, her voice scratchy and lifeless. "Are you okay?"

Looking up with a start, Carmilla focused on Laura with hazy eyes. She took a moment to slow her heart and focus her emotions before nodding slowly. "What are you doing here?" Laura was taken aback by the question and reacted with a false silent rage. "It's my room." She said with a hardened tone. "I thought you were staying with your dad." Carmilla responded dryly, her face hardening. "I am, but that's not the point." Laura stated, stepping out fully and squaring her shoulders.

"What is the point, cupcake?"

She didn't even have one. That was the problem. Laura didn't have a point, she just wanted a reason to be angry. 

"Never mind. I'm too tired for this. I'm just grabbing things for the night. I'll be out of your hair in just a minute." She turned to go back into the bathroom, her body slumping with defeat. 

Carmilla stayed seated on the edge of the couch, her elbows resting on her legs and her head hanging down with her hair covering her face slightly. When Laura came back out she spoke, "Why is the podcast upload page up?" She knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it for herself. "Does it really matter?" Carmilla let out a snide laugh, "Yeah, it does cupcake. It mea-" Laura interrupted her quickly, raising her voice, "Enough with the passive aggressive nicknames! Can't you just be an adult?!" Carmilla scoffed and stood up, holding a hand to her chest, "Me? I need to be the adult?! This coming from the 19-year-old little wannabe who thinks the world her audience and my life is her play!" 

Laura shook her head and stomped towards the door, "Yeah, you! The same person who I thought would've been big enough to see that it isn't all about her! You know why I do those podcasts?!" Her hands began flying with the words coming from her mouth. "I do it because I need to cope! Just like LaFontaine has their science experiments and Perry has her obsessive cleaning and you have your damn killing sprees and running from crap... I need this Carm! I need closure, even if I know that there likely won't be any fixing this!"

Laura turned on the now speechless Carmilla, exiting the room and slamming the door behind her.


	5. 4. J'ai besoin de temps

After Laura had left Carmilla slumped back down onto the couch, her head in her hands. She felt betrayed yet again. She was tired of the stupid podcasts. At first, they were an actual threat to her livelihood. She didn't need the whole world knowing she was a vampire, whether they believed it or not. It would've made her life a whole lot harder and quite possibly could've put her in danger.

Now that she wasn't a vampire anymore... It wasn't necessarily as bad. Yes, there was the chance that some people would believe she was a vampire, but not believe she turned human and still think her a threat. 

However, that was far less likely than many other scenarios. 

Really, she was just frustrated. Carmilla had always valued her privacy beyond anything else. It's what kept her safe. Keeping to herself was the only source of freedom she had with Maman guiding her life. She didn't want to be made anymore of spectacle than she already was.

However, she understood where Laura was coming from and that was more frustrating than anything else. Her 300-year-old wisdom and experience told her that Laura needed that outlet. After everything that happened, she probably even deserved it. The least Carmilla could do was give her that much, even if it was frustrating as all hell. 

"God dammit!" She shook her head, reaching behind her to grab the pillow she had slept on and threw it at the wall violently. As it hit the floor, Carmilla realized that she had unintentionally grabbed Laura's yellow pillow last night. It seems old habits die hard. She grinned slightly at all the times Laura would get all prissy with her for stealing it.

In some sort of reverence, Carmilla went and picked it up, placing it back on the bed neatly. Realizing she was still uptight and needed to release the pent-up energy, she began to pick up the room, making the bed, folding and putting clothes back in backpacks, and rinsing out Laura's mug from the stale coffee.

It wasn't long before she was showered and ready to collapse for a few more hours, settling into the small couch again for the night. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next morning, Carmilla had been walking around the hotel in her usual brooding manner, finding things to eat and watching as the Bundespolizei pack up their things and watching Sherman Hollis try to help the remaining students get their things sorted and find ways home. 

As she watched him she thought about his words to her the previous day. Every one hit home. He was right when he said that she was never free when she was holding on to something. Though she never knew how much it was actually hurting her until Laura showed up, she knew she never wanted to be that miserable again. She never wanted to feel pinned down like she had been all that time. 

She was conflicted. Either road was going to be difficult. She had to choose forgiveness and ask for it too or she was stuck with a true lifetime of longing and emotional entrapment at the need to let things go. Could she really forgive Laura for letting Danny kill Mattie? Could she really forgive her for lying to her? Could she really forgive her for sacrificing herself? Could she really swallow her own pride and ask for forgiveness?   
Cause she knew that Laura wasn't going to be the first to say it. Laura was too damn stubborn for that, despite how much she knew she wanted to fix things. 

Carmilla climbed down off the table she was sitting on in the café area and walked out to the rooms. She had to smirk slightly when she heard LaFontaine and Perry arguing over a mess LaF had made as she walked past their room. They may not have been talking much, but at least they were tolerating each other's presence a little bit.

As she approached Sherman's room, where she knew Laura would be hiding, she began to slow, unsure of what step to take. Standing outside the door, she stared at her hands, willing herself to put away the pride and just do it. 

Knock, knock, knock.

No answer.

Knock, knock, knock. "Cupcake. It's me."

No answer.

Knock, knock, knock. "Cupcake, I need to talk to you."

No answer.

Knock, knock, knock. "Laura, please. Please open the door, Laura. I really need to talk to you." 

The handle turned slowly and the door pulled back to a ragged, tired looking Laura. Her hair was now washed, but she still looked like a matted mess that hadn't slept in days.

"What do you want Carm?" Came her tired voice. With her face turned to the ground and her hair in the way, Carmilla couldn't see Laura's expression, but she knew it was one of heartache mixed with an exhaustion induced apathy. It was Laura's way of steeling herself from the world and emotion, smart move on her part, but probably bad for Carmilla.

"I needed to see you... I need to-..." Sigh. "Can I come in?" 

Laura didn't look up, but she turned to the side, allowing Carmilla entrance. Carmilla walked in and sat on the edge of the couch matching the one in their room. Laura followed standing by the end of the bed with   
her arms crossed and her head turned away. 

"What do you want Carm?" She said accentuating each word with a hard anger. "Cupc-... Laura, I came to apologize." Laura stayed silent, not wanting to give Carmilla the satisfaction of hearing her voice tremble. "For the other night and yesterday... I've been a pretty big bitch lately." Laura scoffed, "Yeah, you have." 

"Laur please. I'm trying here." Laura didn't respond, but chose to sit on the corner of the bed. She couldn't bring herself to face Carmilla yet, but Carmilla saw it as a start. "It wasn't fair for me to go after you about the stupid podcasts. Sure, I like my privacy. A lot. It makes me feel safe and feel like I've got a little bit of freedom, but it's not fair to you." She sighed again, this time heavier and more sullen. "I know that you need it. It's important that you have a way to cope. You're not some 300-year-old vampire who can just shut out everything that happens to her. You are a young and impressionable human. Chaos like ours can cause some serious shit to go down in your head and not having a way to get it out is bad news."

She sat up a little, looking to Laura for any reaction at all. "So, yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry Laura. I want to work through this with you. I need to work through this with you." Laura turned her head towards Carmilla slowly, her lip trembling and her eyes threatening to slip over with tears despite her efforts to hold her emotions back. "I need your forgiveness for all the shit I've done and I want to learn to forgive you for all the crap that you've done."

That was it. Laura couldn't sit there and try to pretend she didn't care anymore. She let out a small sob, tears streaming down her face. Carmilla wanted to comfort her, but was unsure that she would allow her to or that she really was ready to comfort Laura herself. Carmilla chose to get up from her seat on the edge of the couch and kneel in front of Laura, resting one hand on her knee. She felt Laura immediately tense up, but she didn't pull away or try to run. 

"Do you think... that maybe we can try and talk this out?" Carmilla asked quietly. Laura nodded, trying to calm herself and stop the quiet sobs. "B-but I..." Laura stuttered through her words, trying to keep from sobbing again. "I need time C-carm." Carmilla nodded, looking away, and retracted her hand slowly. "Right." Her voice grew firm again. She knew that there wouldn't be any instant fixes, but it was still disappointing to hear. "Just... Just let me know I guess." With that she got up to leave the room and go back to their room. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Sherman had told the LaFontaine and the girls that they would be leaving that afternoon to go back towards the Hollis abode. They would be taking Lafontaine and Perry with them and putting them up in the spare rooms at the Hollis home until Perry's mum could come and pick them up.

He went to each of their rooms, telling them to pack their things and be ready to leave in the afternoon, following the departure of the Bundespolizei. Thankfully, Perry was already packed due to her obsessive need to keep things in order. However, LaFontaine's side of the room was a disaster, covered in a mix of biological and technological experiments. He figured he would probably have to come back later to help clean up. 

Next was Carmilla. He figured he would probably have to come back to clean up Laura's things, but when Carmilla let him in the room was spotless and the bags were stacked by the door.   
Carmilla had settled with a book in the small couch, biding her time till they left. Immediately after letting Sherman in that was where she settled back down. "Looks like you knew I was coming." He nodded to the bags. "Yeah, I figured if the Bundespolizei were done then we would be heading out soon too." She didn't bother looking up from her book while speaking to him. "I take it you talked to her?" Carmilla nodded. "And?" 

She looked up, expression steeled. "That's for her to tell you."


	6. 5. Apprendre à le laisser aller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize ahead of time. Much of this chapter is filler. I was having an extremely difficult time figuring out what to do with it and I knew I needed to explain their arrival at the Hollis home somehow so...

"Laura, honey?" Sherman entered slowly, rapping his knuckles on the door as he pushed it open. When he finally entered all the way he found Laura curled up on the small couch, her knees tucked to her chest, staring into space with red puffy eyes and obvious tear streaks still present. 

After Carmilla left the room she continued crying again, wanting so badly to make things right, but finding herself being held back. She knew she didn't have near as much of a reason to be angry. She wasn't the one who lost her sister to selfishness, she wasn't told to change, and she wasn't the one who was practically forced to do things and be part of something to keep a whimsical love.

It still hurt though. She still felt like she was lied to. She still felt like she was abandoned multiple times. She still felt like she was seen as the only one at fault and the words that had been slung through the air over the past few months still hung heavy on her. Laura knew that she was wrong for a lot of what she did, but she didn't know that at the time. She was too young. It wasn't her fault that she was too inexperienced to   
know better and to be held accountable for it in such an aggressive way was too much, especially when the person holding her accountable was guilty of so much themselves.

Sherman closed the door gently, going to sit down beside his daughter. He put a gentle hand on her knee to get her attention. "Laura, talk to me. Please." Laura ran a hand through her hair, releasing a shuddering sigh. "She abandoned me, dad. She abandoned me and she lied to me and she hurt me... How am I supposed to forgive that? I want her back so bad but..." She stopped, unable to find the words without crying again. 

"Oh, Laura..." Sherman wrapped his arm around Laura, pulling her into his embrace. "I wish this was easier." He was quiet for a moment. "Let me tell you a story about your mom and I. When we were newly married, about a year before we had you, we had this huge fight. She got so mad at me. I thought she would never forgive me and I was pretty mad too. She ran out on me, jumping in the car and taking off. I had no idea where she went because we still lived in the city, too far for her to go to your grandparents and she didn't have many friends there. She was gone for a long time." He took a deep breath, recalling the memory with sorrow. 

"I got a call, about 7 or 8 hours later that she had been in a car accident on the other side of the city." Laura lifted her head for a moment to look at him before tucking her head back in his chest. "I was still so angry at her for some of the stuff she said, but I called a cab and had him race to the hospital as fast as he could. When I got there, I found out that she was resting in a room in the ICU. She had been crying so hard that she didn't see a semi turn right in front of her. The doctor pulled me aside before I went upstairs to see her and told me that she had been pregnant. She was almost 3 months in, but the baby didn't survive the accident." He took a moment to breathe, the story making him emotional and a bit teary eyed. 

"He said she had already been seeing an OB/GYN, but she hadn't told me yet. That made me even more angry. How could she be so reckless? How could she lie to me about that? I was tempted to not even go up to see her, but I knew that I still loved her and I was still her husband. I was angry for a long time, especially when we found out that we likely wouldn't have children because of the damage. Obviously, we got lucky with you." He poked her in the side lightly. "But it took me a long time to forgive her. That was the worst decision I ever made. To wait that long without forgiving her left a big hole. We were still dealing with it when she passed away because I waited too long."

Sherman pushed her up a little so that he could look her in the eyes. "Laura, the reason I'm telling you all this is that you need to let it go. I know Carmilla said some awful things and you felt abandoned, but you can't hold on to that. It'll kill you. You want her back right?" Laura nodded. "Then just let it go. Learn to forgive her. Talk to her about what hurt and figure out a way to avoid it in the future. You can't do this to her or to yourself, it's not fair to either of you." She nodded again, sniffling and sitting back up. 

Pulling his arm back to give her space, he patted her knee. "Alright, go get cleaned up and then help me pack. We are leaving in a couple hours."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Later that day, everyone was packed and ready to go. They unfortunately would have to leave Kirsch at the local hospital. Not only did they not have enough room in Sherman's car, which thankfully Bob had been able to dig out, but Kirsch was also still in pretty rough shape and needed a few more days under observation. 

Perry, aside from sharing a few words with Sherman over the things that needed to happen for them to leave, was silent, not speaking to anyone. 

LaFontaine, for much of the trip, sat behind Sherman, going over ideas for their laser eye and proper safety precautions that they would need. They deliberately avoided looking anywhere but the back of Sherman's head and out the side window. 

Carmilla sat slouched, tucking herself behind both her seatmates, focusing all her energy on reading. She kept to herself, scowling at anyone who dare interrupt her unless it was Laura in the case that they might make some sort of peace.

Once Laura had navigated her father through the Styrian Alps and back to Einhörn, she resigned herself to listening to music and staring out the window. She would have slept since the trip was going to take them the rest of the day and likely all night, but every time she tried to fall asleep she would be immediately plagued with aggressive nightmares.

Normally, to get to Landeck, Sherman would have crossed the border into Germany for an hour to bypass country roads. However, that would have been almost impossible in the chaos in wake of the biblical proportioned plagues. This meant that their 7-hour trip was now closer to 14 hours with having to use backroads and avoid road damage and traffic. By the time they finally pulled up to the Hollis home in Landeck, the sun was starting to peek out, illuminating the many thunder clouds. 

The crew quickly unloaded the cramped car, stretching their legs from the pain of sitting through the last 6-hour portion of the drive. LaFontaine and Perry were the first to make it up the stairs. After their fight that morning over the state of the hotel room there was no chance they would be staying in the same room, meaning that both spare rooms were now occupied. Laura, of course, went straight to her room with Carmilla following her just out of instinct. Before Carmilla could follow Laura in, however, a door was slammed in her face and a lock was thrown into place. This meant that Carmilla was out a room.

Sherman came up behind the dejected Carmilla, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, "Just give her time." He turned to the end of the hall, pointing at the last door. "There's some blankets and pillows in that closet, you can camp out in the den until things change or until Mrs. Perry arrives for the other two. Get some rest Carmilla." He smiled softly at her before retiring to his own room. Carmilla nodded, going to grab what she needed for the night and heading back downstairs.


	7. 6. Pardonnez-moi pour vous

A couple of hours later, Laura wandered downstairs, sleep still evading her. Passing Carmilla on her way to the kitchen, she couldn't help but grin slightly at her. Carmilla had fallen asleep on her stomach with limbs hanging off the couch in every direction, still in her clothes from the previous night now scrunched up and wrinkled. Her face was turned towards Laura, showing the grave expression on her face, likely from nightmares.

Laura moved on to the kitchen, thoughts swirling around her head like a storm of indecision and frustration. It was too much. It was probably the source of all her own nightmares. She was so consumed by her thoughts that she didn't notice Perry talking to her while she made her hot chocolate. It took Perry getting up and laying a hand on Laura's shoulder for Laura to focus and hear her. 

"Oh! Perry, I'm sorry, I didn't see you. I'll just take my cocoa and go back to my room. I didn't mean to intrude. I-I'm so sor-" Perry put a hand up to stop Laura's rambling. "It's alright Laura, really. I could actually use some company." She motioned for them to sit down at the bar where Perry's own cup of tea was sitting. Laura nodded and followed, sitting down, her hands wrapping around the burning cup. "You couldn't sleep either?" She shook her head. "Haven't been able to since we started hiding in the Library." Perry nodded, sipping from her cup, keeping her eyes trained on the messes in the kitchen. 

"You can relax Laura. I'm not upset with you. LaFontaine may be, but I'm not. I'm still missing a lot of what happened during that time and my head is killing me pretty consistently, but I know that none of this is your fault or Carmilla's." She laid a gentle hand on Laura's arm. "Just like you need time to forgive Carmilla. LaFontaine needs time to forgive you both. Just give them time, I promise. LaFontaine can't hold grudges very long." With that she stood, setting her cup in the sink and going out to head back upstairs. "Try getting some rest in the meantime dear." 

Laura thought about Perry's words. She knew that she was right. Just like she need time to forgive Carm, LaF would need time to forgive her. It was how it went. She also knew it would take time to get over the events, to stop having nightmares and panicking about nothing at all. 

She sat in the kitchen for a few minutes, sipping at her hot chocolate and trying to calm the storm of thoughts. She knew she wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon so she decided that Netflix and some Doctor Who or Buffy might be a good idea. When she passed by Carmilla in the living room, she noticed that she seemed to be even more unsettled in her sleep. Maybe keeping her company could help. I can always watch TV in here... 

So that's exactly what she did. She went upstairs to grab her yellow pillow and a blanket before settling into an arm chair in the living room, turning Netflix on quietly to a random episode of Doctor Who. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When Carmilla woke, she took a moment to gain her bearings before rubbing her face and slowly sitting up. The first thing she noticed was that the television was on, a sassy red head in a wedding dress yelling things at a man in a suit. The second thing she noticed was that her body was sore, probably from a mixture of the way she slept and the workout she had gotten that week climbing from the pit and running to the campus. The third thing she noticed was that Laura was sitting awkwardly in the arm chair that was next to the couch, curled in a blanket with her yellow pillow half under her head and half tucked in her arms like she was hugging it. Her face was scrunched and she looked like she had been crying again. At least she's asleep. Carmilla thought.

Carmilla picked up the remote from the floor, where it had fallen when Laura moved in her sleep, turning off the television. She pulled the blanket back up around Laura's shoulders before she sat back down on the couch. 

All she could think about was why thing had gone so badly. Would things be better if she had chosen to keep herself from Laura? Would it have been better to have never kissed Laura in the first place? It sure would've saved them both a lot of pain, but she wasn't sure that she could've lived with breaking Laura's heart like that. She knew that Laura had feelings for her at that time. 

Laura started mumbling in her sleep, shaking her head and growing louder by the second. Carmilla went over to the side of the chair, kneeling. She was tempted to touch Laura's face to wake her, but she chose instead to shake her shoulder. It probably wouldn't have made Laura happy to be woken by someone she was mad at like that. 

"Laura. Hey, cupcake, wake up. Laura come on, wake up." She woke with a start, looking around frantically for a moment before seeing Carmilla and reducing to tears. Carmilla couldn't take it anymore. She stood up, sitting on the arm of the chair and pulling Laura into her arms. Laura didn't fight her, but stayed stiff. "It's alright Laura. It's okay. We made it out. We're all okay." She continued soothing Laura, running a hand up and down her arm, until the sobs turned to sniffles.

When Carmilla pulled back she turned Laura to look at her. "Are you okay?" She nodded, not wanting to speak for fear of falling apart again. "Alright. I'll go make us some hot chocolate." With that she was up off the arm and in the kitchen. 

A few minutes late she returned with two piping mugs of hot chocolate and a cookie for Laura. "Here you go cutie." Handing her the treats, she sat back down on the couch facing Laura. She studied her for a moment as she ate the cookie and composed herself. "Thank you." Came a whisper from Laura. She couldn't look Carmilla in the eye, but she knew that Laura was sincere. 

After a while, Laura spoke, "It looks like the skies are holding. Maybe we should go for a walk. I mean the fresh air could help relax us and it's not too cold yet. I'm sure the mailbox is full too so I should go do that anyways and that's at the end of the block. Plus, after being cooped up in that car al-" Carmilla interrupted her with a smirk. "Relax cutie. It'd be nice to go for a walk. Why don't we get cleaned up and then we can go?" Laura nodded with the smallest grin, undoing the blanket and leaving to go get dressed. 

When she came back downstairs, Carmilla had folded and stacked all the blankets and pillows and put away their mugs. She was sitting on the couch with a book in hand, hair pulled back and dressed in her leather pants with a dark shirt and jacket. "Ready when you are." Carmilla turned to see Laura, her hair down and still damp. She had put on a dark graphic print sweatshirt and a pair of light blue jeans that invited Carmilla's eyes to linger just a bit longer than they should have when they were technically still fighting. 

She stood up quickly, "Yeah, let's go." They slipped on their shoes and exited the house. Laura took a deep breath, looking around the neighborhood, taking in the familiarity of it all. She started walking, Carmilla walking beside her but giving her room. They got down onto the sidewalk, turning and walking towards the end of the street where the forest started. The houses they passed were all two stories with faded paint, many of them covered in flowering vines with flower boxes hanging from the windows. All the yards had grass that was trim and neat and bushes or trees that were well shaped and full. Though the weather was still dreary the street seemed bright and alive.

When they reached the end of the street they found a path that looked like it was frequented by the neighborhood. The dark dirt was tamped down and it was neatly lined with wild grasses and shrubbery. This part of the forest was not very thick, letting in plenty of natural light despite the darkened skies.

Once they had gotten into the forest, Laura slowed her pace, sticking her hands in her pockets and sighing. "I used to come her with my mom when I was little. It was always so peaceful and quiet, but there's not enough of an overhang to really hide the sky so I wouldn't ever get scared, even at night." Carmilla let a small smile slip at Laura's words. She didn't talk about her mom very often, so that was a good sign. 

They walked quietly for a few more minutes, following the path as it twisted and turned. "My dad doesn't talk about her very much, but he told me a story yesterday. He told me how, before I was born, they had a huge fight and she got in an accident. Even after, he had a hard time forgiving her and it damaged both of them for a long time. I guess even until after she..." Laura trailed off, her eyes becoming foggy and her breath catching. 

"I don't... I don't want to be like that." She crossed her arms, trying to make herself feel smaller. "I hate fighting with people in the first place. I can't imagine never forgiving someone, but now that I know what it really means to forgive someone... It's a lot harder than I was ready for." Laura sighed heavily, needing a break, but knowing this needed to happen.

Carmilla noticed this and spoke up. "It seems like he's really good at the dad speeches." She stuck her hands in the front of her pants, looking at Laura softly for a moment before turning her eyes back to the path. 

"You're right. Real forgiveness is a lot harder than anyone would be ready for. Asking for it doesn't even compare. Your dad is also right though." She took a deep breath, hoping she was saying the right things. "If you can't forgive the person for their sake, forgive them for yourself. I'm pretty sure that was the sum of our conversation. I think..." She paused, thinking over her words. 

"Honestly, I think he's really right. If you don't forgive someone for yourself then you are holding yourself back. In 335 years, I've been screwed over a lot. Every time I was, I just got more miserable. When... When I met Ell, I could finally forgive and move on from a lot of it. It healed me and made me happier and more able to focus on us." Carmilla looked over to Laura again briefly. "I'm pretty sure it's going to be a long time before I forgive my mother for everything she did, but it'll be easier now knowing why she did it. At the same time, it'll be a while before I'm able to get over the hurt of losing Mattie and feeling betrayed and lied to, but..."

Carmilla stopped in her tracks, grabbing Laura's wrist to turn her around to face her. "Just because I'm still hurt about what happened, doesn't mean I can't forgive you. Laur, I love-... I love you and that means that I need to forgive you, even if you aren't looking for it. I need to forgive you because it hurts me to be upset with you." She let Laura's wrist go, her emotions becoming too much very quickly. "I just hope that you can forgive me too, not for me, but for you. Yeah, okay maybe for me too, because I miss you. I miss being able to touch you and smile at you and just plain talk to you, but you are more important than what I want." 

Laura stood there silently, her eyes drawn to anything but Carmilla. She took a deep, shuddering breath, drawing her gaze slowly up to her face. She looked in her eyes, searching for what she wasn't sure, but she was searching for something. It was in that moment that she knew that she had to forgive her. She couldn't live with herself if she didn't. Carmilla said it perfectly. She loved her too much to not forgive her because it hurt her to be upset with Carmilla.

It was the strangest thing. They had known each other less than a year, but everything was pointing her straight to Carmilla. She was deeply hurt. Every part of her was screaming for someone else to hurt the way she was. However, after everything they had been through, after everything they had, she knew that she loved Carmilla more than she needed resolution. 

That's when she saw that in Carmilla's eyes there was only sincerity and love. Sure, she knew Carmilla was hurt too, but that didn't matter right then. The only thing that mattered was letting Laura know that she loved her and she wanted to fix things. 

Laura leapt forward, her arms wrapping around Carmilla tightly and her head tucking itself under Carmilla's chin, resting over her new semi-human heart. "I miss you too." She whispered before she started crying again. 

It took Carmilla a moment to recover. Her body stood tense until those words floated from Laura's lips. Recovering her bearings, she relaxed into Laura's grasp, wrapping her own arms around her shoulders to hold her tightly. She rested her head on Laura's, letting herself cry as well. 

They stood like that for quite a while. Laura repeat the words "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" over and over again under her tears while Carmilla shushed her and rubbed her back, repeating the same things.

No, things weren't back to normal and they still weren't okay. There was still a lot of hurt to sort through, but Carmilla knew that at least there was an end in sight now. It was no longer a guessing game of if they were ever going to be okay, just when, but she could deal with that.


	8. 7. Confiance et sécurité

After standing and embracing each other for a few minutes, Laura and Carmilla peeled apart, going a bit further to find some rocks to sit on. They sat next to each other, no tension present in the air, but rather a solemn silence filling the space between and around them. They both wanted to speak, to say anything to fill the silence, but they were both unable to find the words. 

It wasn't long before Carmilla noticed the sky darkening further and looked to Laura. "We should probably be going." Laura shook herself from her thoughts upon hearing Carmilla's voice. "Hmm? Oh, yeah... I guess it's getting pretty dark out. Were we really out that long?" Carmilla looked up, observing what little sky she could through the trees. "I don't think so, but let's get going." Laura nodded, sticking her hands in the pocket of her hoodie and setting off.

As they broached the edge of the forest, entering back into Laura's neighborhood, the sky opened with a crack of thunder and rain began pour heavily. "So much for the skies holding..." Laura laughed at Carmilla's brooding tone and took off running down the sidewalk. "Well don't just stand there! You're gonna catch a cold silly!" 

Carmilla shook her head at Laura, smirking, before she took off running after her. She may not have cared about the rain, but it was cold and Laura was right she didn't want it to be the cause of her getting sick for the first time since being brought to back to life again. "Hey! Wait up creampuff!" 

Carmilla reached the steps just as Laura slammed the door shut and threw the lock. Laura moved to the window, pulling back the curtain and sticking out her tongue at Carmilla. "Not funny cupcake! Open the door!" 

Luckily the porch was well covered, but it was still freezing out and now Carmilla was soaking wet. Laura shook her head, laughing. "What's the password?" She rolled her eyes at Laura's antics. "I don't know! Come on let me in!" She shook her head, laughing at the wet pouting kitten outside. "Come on, it's not funny! It's cold out here!" 

She shook her head again. "Nope." Laura said popping the 'p'. "You gotta guess!" Carmilla grumbled a string of curses under her breath before letting out a heavy sigh. "Fine. Is it cookies?" Laura shook her ahead again, still giggling. "TARDIS?" She shook her head again. 

"Frosh, let her in. Look at her, she's shivering." LaFontaine said from behind Laura, who hadn't noticed them sitting in the living area reading. "Just one more guess." LaFontaine rolled their eyes, enjoying the suffering the vampire was enduring just slightly, but not commenting further. 

Laura turned back to the window with a smug grin. "I'll give you a hint. It looks like a marshmallow and it's from Doctor Who." Carmilla took a moment to think, realizing that all those marathon nights that Laura subjected her to would now be useful. "Those little fat balls?" She nodded. "I don't remember what they're called!" Laura didn't budge though, causing her to let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine cupcake. Is it something like asspose?" Laura doubled over laughing at Carmilla's answer before reaching over to open the door. "Adipose, but close enough." She let out between fits of laughter.

LaFontaine got up with an annoyed sigh, stomping back up the stairs. "Alright, alright cupcake you've had your fun! We scared Thing 2 off, but we should probably quiet down before we wake the others up." Laura nodded, trying to stifle her laughter. 

Just then, a still half-asleep Sherman Hollis came down the stairs. "What in the galaxy is going on down here?" Carmilla looked up. "I guess I know where she gets all the pop-culture references from... Sorry we woke you Mr. H- Sherman. Cupcake here just thought it would be funny to lock me out in the rain till I guessed the answer her ridiculous game." 

He nodded knowingly with a grin and turned to go back upstairs. "Well you two have fun, but please keep it down for a couple more hours. Laura, please go get yourselves dry before you get sick and then clean up the water." With that he was gone. 

Laura started snickering again, staring at the still drooping Carmilla. She responded by glaring at Laura and shaking her hair out all over her. "Woah, hey! Watch it!" She ran up the stairs with Carmilla hot on her heels. She slammed through the door to her bedroom, Carmilla pushing past before she can close it and tackling her to the floor. 

They wrestled for a minute, Carmilla getting Laura even more soaked, laughs and giggles spreading through the air. Carmilla ended up straddling Laura, tickling her mercilessly, her wet hair falling on either side of Laura's face. She caught Laura's eyes and sobered quickly, staring a moment to long, but before she could act Laura pushed her off and rushed to the attached bathroom.

Carmilla sat on the floor for a moment and huffed. She decided it was probably best to go back downstairs and get changed into clothes that weren't leather and wet. She showered and dressed in dry clothes quickly before cleaning up the water by the door. After a few minutes of hesitant thinking she looked up the stairs, seeing Laura's door now shut. Carmilla slowly pulled herself up from the couch where she had settled and moved up to Laura's door. 

With all her emotions running and flowing through her body like a flood, she moved slowly. She took each step carefully, as though the floor would break beneath the weight of her frustrations and sadness. When she reached the door, her hand rose of its own accord to knock, but she froze. Her knuckles clenched, white and red with the tension. She wanted to apologize for moving too quickly but she didn't feel sorry for it. 

She just wanted things to be normal. Yeah, she was still hurt, mostly by Mattie's death and Laura's sacrifice, but she knew that to heal she would need Laura's help. The nightmares were evidence of that very fact. 

She didn't have a chance to knock on the door, Laura slowly pulling it open and almost running into Carmilla. "Oh! Um... Hi. I-I was just coming out to uh... yeah, um talk to you." She stumbled over her words, unable to look Carmilla in the eye. "Cupcake, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It was inconsiderate and I know you're probably not ready for that..." "I'm sorry I pushed you, Carm. And that I ran off and didn't say anything. I-I mean it wasn't very nice and I should have just said something." They spoke at the same time, leading to nervous chuckles and bits of surprise rising in their features. 

"Wait. You're not mad?" Carmilla asked quietly. She shook her head and responded nervously, "No... I mean, it was unexpected and you're right, I'm not ready to go back to being like that, but it's my fault too." She sighed, stepping back from the door and motioning for Carmilla to sit on the bed with her. 

They sat down beside each other, Carmilla giving Laura a few inches of space. "Do you remember how you asked me if, just for one night, we could pretend to run away from all our problems and be happy and in love?" Carmilla nodded solemnly. "I want that so bad now. I want that more than anything. To be able to just run away from my mind and the hurt that swarms it, but what I said back then still stands. That's not us. That's not love and it's certainly not good for us. What happens the next time something happens between us?" She brought her head up to look at Carmilla gently. "I love you, Carm. I really do, but we need to fix this. The right way." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but it still trembled. 

"How do we fix it, Cupcake?" Laura shrugged, returning her glance to her fidgeting hands. "One step at a time, I think. I guess... we need to talk about the issues that drove us apart in the first place." Carmilla nodded, watching her play with her hands to keep them from shaking. "How about I start? Would that help?" Laura nodded slowly. "Okay. Well I guess that my biggest issue is that I don't feel like you trust me. I'm 335 years old and I a-" She paused to correct herself. "was a vampire. I feel like you should've trusted me to protect you and your friends with all the experience I have from my many years protecting myself."

Laura let Carmilla's words hang in the air for a minute, processing what she just heard without reacting in a defensive manner. "I understand that. I guess I didn't trust you when it came to Danny and Mattie and I'm sorry. I should've trusted you. Especially, after the things you said about her respect for you. So, I'm sorry." She took a deep breath, steadying herself and pushing her hair out of her face. "As for trying to protect you... I just... I-I did i-it because I love you. Ghost Mattie explained what could happen and I wasn't willing to lose you. I know it was stupid and naïve, but... I couldn't let you sacrifice yourself and possibly lose your life to her, when I could go instead. All I wanted was to save you." 

The air hung heavy between the two of them. There wasn't any tension, just a sense of sadness and longing. They both understood why the other did the things they did, but it didn't make it easy to accept. 

Carmilla gentle laid a hand on top of Laura's fidgeting ones, stilling them. Carmilla's touch was still cool, but the heart behind it was full of comfort and gentle warmth. Laura's mind was telling her to run and hide for fear of something awful coming after them like it always seemed to, but the irrational fears were momentarily quieted by the new understanding she had gained. The knowledge of the reasoning for part of their fighting brought peace in her chaotic mind.

All Carmilla wanted was for Laura to trust her.

All Laura wanted was for Carmilla to be safe.

All they wanted was to love each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to laugh a little bit a todays chapter...   
> I've been posting these as soon as they are written on Wattpad, so this one was written a few weeks ago. However, I wanted to start posting them here so that more people could see and enjoy them.   
> That being said, I decided to do the first five chapters in one go and then two more chapters every little bit after that.   
> Here's the funny part.   
> It's mid/late January here in Arizona which means is monsoon season. Monsoon season means heavy torrential downpours, flash flooding, and occasionally hail and slush depending on how early in the year it is. Today was a combination of all three.   
> I unfortunately still had to take my dog for a walk despite the weather and both of us, mostly me cause I don't own a raincoat and my dog does, got soaked to the bone. That plus the freezing temperature and hail and slush that made it's way down my shirt and in my shoes left me feeling much like how I imagined Carm to feel.  
> I was quite literally a shivering, soaked, and pouting panda bear.


	9. 8. Colère passionnée

Shortly after noon, Perry had gotten up again and made breakfast for everyone. Sherman Hollis made his way up the stairs, after helping her, to rouse everyone else. Once he got to Laura's room he found the door still open.

On the large bed Carmilla was sitting upright with her back against the headboard, Laura lying down next to her. They weren't touching, Carmilla trying to give her space, except for Laura reaching out to hold Carmilla's hand in her lap as they slept. Both their faces were peaceful, the proximity of each other and the small resolution they found chasing away the nightmares and anxieties for a time. 

He didn't want to wake them, but knew that they would both appreciate a hot home cooked breakfast instead of cheap hotel food or food scrounged from half destroyed and mystically infested campus buildings. 

Sherman knocked on the door lightly, stirring Carmilla. She took a moment to assess her surroundings, seeing Laura and their joined hands and then Sherman by the door. "There's a hot breakfast downstairs for everyone. Come down when you girls are ready." He gave her a gentle smile and left the room. 

For a moment Carmilla stayed still, watching Laura and considering the events of the past few hours. She knew that it would take Laura some time before she was truly ready for physical contact. Laura clinging to her hand like she was now was likely just her anxieties acting out in a need for grounding. She was Laura's rock, just as Laura was hers. 

She gently pulled one hand out of Laura's grasp, using it to push the hair out of Laura's face. "Cupcake... Hey, Cupcake wake up. It's time for breakfast." She kept her hand on her face, stroking softly to coax her   
awake. 

She looked so content, Carmilla was hesitant to wake her, but she knew she needed to. She squeezed her hand, lifting her head gently. "Come on, Cutie. Wake up." Laura groaned and pushed Carmilla's hand away from her face with her free hand, whining, "Whaaaa...???" She smirked and started poking Laura's sides lightly. "Can't you smell it Creampuff? There's breakfast downstairs... Sausage and bacon... and blueberry chocolate pancakes... It smells so good, but you have to wake up." 

At the sound of blueberry chocolate pancakes Laura sat up, smacking Carmilla's hand away from her and getting up to race downstairs. Carmilla let out a short laugh before rising from the bed herself and making her way downstairs. 

She found everyone already in the kitchen, either standing or sitting at the island with plates full. Laura was stuffing her face as fast as she could with pancakes, Sherman lightly scolding her for creating a choking hazard for herself. LaFontaine and Perry had secluded themselves to one end of the island, talking in hushed tones, but obviously not fighting anymore. She grinned at the sight before grabbing herself a plate and sitting in-between Laura and Perry. 

"Whaat-took oo so lonnn?" Laura mumbled out with a mouth full of pancakes. "Laura, chew and swallow first. You are going to choke if you talk with your mouthful. I shouldn't even be allowing chocolate breakfast foods; the sugar isn't good for you." Laura glared at him jokingly. "Don't give me that face. I know how much money you spend on cookies and soda." She coughed, nearly spitting out her pancakes and turning bright red. "See?" 

Sherman shook his head at his daughter and turned to Carmilla who was now chowing done on some sausage. "How are you this morning Carmilla?" She took a moment to very intentionally chew and swallow her food, not wanting a Hollis scolding. "Very good, sir. Thank you. How are you?" He smiled and nodded. "I'm doing well myself, thank you. Now Laura, you could stand to learn from Carmilla and chew your food first." Laura rolled her eyes and stabbed her pancake violently, causing Carmilla to chuckle at the angry little gay. 

"When you girls are finished with your breakfast come see me. We are going to take your temperatures and get you on a vitamin C regimen to prevent a cold. I don't want either of you getting pneumonia after being out in the rain yesterday with no umbrellas or galoshes." Laura groaned, looking at her father with a pout. "But Dadddd...." "No buts, sweetheart. I don't want you getting sick." 

As Laura and Sherman sat there arguing over the eventual check-up that both girls would be getting, Carmilla heard a low annoyed groan from the end of the island. "Come now, LaFontaine. You have to give them a little room." Perry spoke in hushed tones. At this LaFontaine scoffed, shoving their plate forward and stomping away from the counter. "Come and find me when you aren't supporting the very people who tried to kill you." Perry tried to call after them, but was expressly ignored. 

Laura and Sherman had hushed to watch the scene unfold, her face growing with guilt. "Per-... You know it wasn't like that, right?" She nodded, sighing and getting up. "I know, but they don't." A beat passed. "I guess I should go and try and talk to them." Laura shook her head and pushed herself away from the counter. "No, let me. I think it's time. Carm? I think you should come too." Carmilla let out a loud scoff, "You can forget that, Cutie. Just because I made my peace with you, doesn't mean that I'm gonna make peace with the mad scientist just like that." Laura took a moment to let the shock and frustration sink in. "Really Carm?? You know what? Whatever. It's probably best anyways, you'd just piss them off more." 

After Laura had left, Sherman took his plate, putting it in the sink and leaving to the living area. "Carmilla." "Don't start Betty Crocker. I don't need more of this." Perry shook her head, taking a seat next to Carmilla again. "I don't want to start anything Carmilla, believe me. I just want things to go back to normal. I want to make sure that you know, I'm not upset with either of you for what happened." Carmilla scoffed again, digging at the little food that was still on her plate. "Carmilla, sweetheart, I'm serious. Neither of you were at fault. You didn't see a better way out and frankly, there wasn't one. Your mother was in my head and for as much as she tried, she couldn't keep me out of hers. I know what her plans were and I know how powerful she really was."

Carmilla stayed silent, looking down at her plate with a hardened face and tight grip on her silverware. Perry placed a gentle hand on her arm before leaving the room. "I'm going to go lay down, having another consciousness packed into my mind was a bit much... The things that come out of my mouth..." 

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Carmilla had finished her plate and settled in the living area with Sherman. They had both heard some muffled shouting and the slamming of a door followed by a "Stupid stubborn scientist..."

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A little while later, Laura had come downstairs, stomping into the kitchen to grab a cookie. She plopped down onto the couch heavily, bouncing Carmilla in her seat. "Easy there, Spaz. You're gonna break the couch." Laura rolled her eyes, chomping down on the cookie. "Didn't your mother ever teach you manners Carm? Oh, wait..." Sherman's eyes widened, watching Carmilla stiffen and begin to react. "Laura! That's enough." He scolded. She stood up, clenching her fists and staring down at Laura. "Oh no, I don't think she's done! Please tell me more, Creampuff!" He got up from his seat and tried to push Carmilla back a little. "Carmilla, you don't want to start this." Behind him, Laura had risen from her seat and was staring at Carmilla with fury seeping from every tiny pore.

"Oh, let her be Dad. She wants to be immature and start assu-" Carmilla pushed Sherman out of the way and stared down at Laura. "Me?! I'm the one being immature?! This coming from Little Miss... What was it Mattie said? Oh yeah, Little Miss Wanna-Buffy! Seriously Cupcake?? You are the one who came down here and started this!"

"You're bringing up Mattie?! What the frilly hell Carm?? What happened to 'I forgive you' 'let's be happy and sunshine, Sundance'?" She poked Carmilla in the shoulder, trying to provoke her, but Carmilla caught her wrist. She held it tightly in her fist, both shaking with passionate rage. "Don't go there." Came her voice, now dangerously low. "You went there first!"

A tense silence filled the air, Carmilla holding Laura's wrist tightly and her gaze even more so. Behind the anger in Laura's eyes, Carmilla searched and found fear. The fear in her eyes burned so strong, like it coursed through her veins as deeply as the blood that filled them. It looked like at any moment the fear would just burst through and consume Laura, drowning her from the inside out. She was holding it back, ever the one to be strong, but it showed and it seeped through. It wouldn't be long before it took hold and made it's way out.

However, Carmilla wasn't the only one who saw things through the others eyes. Beyond all the whirling anger and anxieties in her mind, beyond her own clouded vision, she could focus on Carmilla. She knew that what Carmilla was portraying was not anger, but rather immense sorrow. She had seen it before. All that Carmilla knew to do when grief and sorrow took over was to act out, be angry, and passionate. The grip she had on Laura's wrist may have been tight, but it was shaking with emotion. Her eyes were dark and passionate, but they watered. Her voice, though low and dangerous, was wavering and thick. 

This time Laura knew it had to be her who broke and that's exactly what she did. In a voice, barely above a whisper, she let the words "I'm sorry." slip from her mouth. For as close as they were, Carmilla still struggled to hear it, but when she did, she started to let herself go. Laura was the first to let out a gasping sob, Carmilla not far behind. She let Laura's wrist slip from her grasp and she pulled her in. Laura tucked herself under Carmilla's chin, the only comfort she allowed herself being the sound of Carmilla's new and unique heartbeat and her sobbing deep breaths. "It's okay. It really is. I'm sorry too." Every word came out strangled and distant from the word preceding it, fighting to get out past the emotions that were pouring out of her already.

When Laura finally felt brave enough to retract herself from the safety of Carmilla's chest, she pulled back only enough to look her in the eyes again, her hands resting on Carmilla's sides and Carmilla's settled on Laura's shoulders. Their cheeks were stained with tears, their eyes still watering and clouding their vision though the tears themselves had subsided, and their eyes searched each other's frantically.


	10. 9. La peur s'empare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just a heads up. Trigger warning for anyone with panic attacks. I tried desperately to avoid this, but I think it's critical to the story and the character development.

They stared at each other silently, both unsure and unwilling to make the first move, but craving each other's comfort profoundly. 

Behind all the furious waves of emotion, sat a passion that had burned from the day they met. Over time, it had evolved from a flickering flame of hatred to a raging wild fire of adoration and need. However, when everything went down with the Dean, Mattie, and Vordenberg, it had been hidden away. All that passion was seemingly swallowed by those waves of emotion. The fire trickled to a flickering candlelight that held no grasp on either soul. Not even hatred could burn from it. Though that, perhaps, was due to the love in the very energy that fed it, extinguishing and replacing the hatred before it could surface. 

Now that those tides of emotion were being quelled by their fractional communication, the flame was growing stronger. It grew so large that it began to push back the very waves that once threatened to extinguish it. It scared them both. They feared that letting that passion consume them again would set off a chain reaction and what had happened before would happen again, scarring them further. Carmilla especially knew this. History always repeats itself, no matter the will of the one subject to it. But neither of them had the motivation to care right then.

Carmilla brought her hands from Laura's shoulder to her neck, rubbing her thumbs along that soft jawline that plagued her mind every day. Never once did their eyes leave each other's. They still were desperately searching for answers, permission, and anything that would give them some peace of mind.

Laura felt Carmilla's hands probing her jawline and saw the question that bore through her eyes. She nodded her head slightly, not wanting to discourage the loving touch. 

They both moved almost instantly, Laura pulling on Carmilla's hips, where her hands still sat, and Carmilla pulling Laura's chin gently, but avidly, to meet her. Their mouths collided, lips joining but staying still for a moment, letting the feeling sink in. As Laura pulled Carmilla closer, she began to move her lips against Laura's, seeking the familiarity. Her response was immediate, their hands and mouths moving in sync. It was like falling into an old routine, or playing an instrument after a while, the muscle memory shot into action leaving them both on a high from the perfect love being displayed. 

As the kiss deepened, their mouths open to each other and hands clutching at hair and clothing, Laura pushed Carmilla backwards. She pushed further back, clutching at her sides roughly, until Carmilla's calves hit the couch. Without breaking their bond, Carmilla sunk down, Laura coming to straddle her.

Their need for each other grew even more fervent. Hands slid under fabric, scratching at skin, or tangled in hair, pulling and kneading. Hips ground into each other, seeking friction in just the right places. Tongues danced in a battle for control. 

It was perfect. It was what they both wanted to need. They both knew that this wasn't wise, though. It would likely only cause more fighting and heartache. They'd been there and done that before and it didn't end well before.

So, when LaFontaine walked in and let out a string of muttered curses followed by a sarcastic "Don't mind me, just walking through a public room." Laura jumped back from Carmilla, landing on her butt on the floor. 

Both their faces grew red and filled with guilt. Laura whined slightly from the impact with the hard floor before she pushed away Carmilla's outstretched hand and quickly left the room, running to her own. After watching her go, Carmilla sunk forward, letting out a low groan as her face found purchase in her hands. 

A few minutes later, LaFontaine walked back out of the kitchen and through the living area, ignoring Carmilla's muttering presence almost entirely. "Hey, Thing 1, wait up." They didn't stop. "LaFontaine, wait!" "What do you want Fang Face?" Carmilla tried desperately to ignore the intentional poke. "Look, you can be mad at me all you want, but you ne-" They interrupted her, turning around with rage lining their features. "Yeah you're right. I can be mad at you all I want. I should. I mean, you and frosh did try and kill my best friend!" She stood up and stomped over to them, fists clenched. "I only did what I thought was right, you leave her out of this. It's my fault that Betty Crocker was in the firing line, okay?! Don't you see what this is doing to Laur and Susie Homemaker??" LaFontaine looked down at their feet, thinking for a moment. 

"I don't expect you to ever forgive me and frankly I'm not looking for it. I did what was best for us all, but Laura was only following along because she couldn't come up with a better plan either." Carmilla let out a long sigh, watching LaFontaine closely. "You don't get to blame her and make her life hell just because you need someone to blame! Both Betty Crocker and the Cupcake are trying to make things normal again. They need to. I don't know if you've noticed or if you've been too busy being a piss ant, but we aren't the only ones with nightmares and from what I've seen, that's not all they are going through right now." "Stop." She went silent, looking for them to continue. "Just stop, okay? I know. I know that all they want... All they need is normalcy, but I'm terrified. Perry is my whole life, alright? And I don't know how to cope with nearly losing her to someone else's stupidity. So, just back off! I'm trying." 

Carmilla nodded slowly, backing up to sit back down on the couch and with that LaFontaine was back up the stairs and hiding away in their temporary room. 

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The rest of the day ended up being fairly uneventful. Laura and Perry hid in Laura's room watching movies while Perry cleaned. LaFontaine worked in Sherman's shed on ideas for their laser eye and other bio-mechanical adaptions for the human body. Finally, Sherman and Carmilla spent the day silently addressing the house and making dinner for everyone. They all eventually went to bed early to try and get back on a semi-regular schedule. 

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The next morn, Laura stepped out into the hall, intent on finding breakfast and likely hot chocolate, to find a sleeping Carmilla on the floor by her door. It was a startling, but appreciated gesture, though she assumed it wasn't just for her. 

She stepped back into her room and grabbed a blanket to cover the chilled looking Carmilla, tucking it up to her shoulders carefully. When she laid it over her, she snuggled into it and made a noise for a moment that sounded vaguely like a purr.

When she made it downstairs to the kitchen she promptly set a mug of milk heating and began sorting out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for herself. By the time the milk was heated she had already eaten half her sandwich.

She took the mug from the microwave, not realizing how hot it was, and lost her grip in the shock of pain that shot through her fingertips. The mug (thankfully not her Tardis mug because she swore it had to be washed at least twice more to rid it of the coffee smell) tipped and hit the edge of the counter. It splashed and fell to the floor, shattering with a loud crash, leaving Laura's hands, arms, and legs covered in scalding hot milk.

Upon hearing the crash, Carmilla woke and rushed downstairs, coming into the kitchen. She took in the scene before her quickly, analyzing what steps she would need to take to help her Creampuff. She saw Laura, seemingly frozen in place with the burning liquid turning her skin quickly red, starting to shake. "Cupcake, what happened? Are you okay?" She didn't respond or even flinch at the sound of Carmilla's voice. "Cupcake? Hey, that doesn't look so good. Do you think you can get out of there without cutting yourself?" 

Laura was still frozen in place, not moving or speaking, but Carmilla could tell that her breathing was heavy and irregular and the shaking was getting more severe, as well as the burns on her limbs. She carefully approached Laura, trying not to step in the glass. She placed her hands on Laura's shoulders, causing Laura to jump and flinch away, but she didn't let her, holding firmly. She pulled her back into her embrace, trying to coax her away from the mess. 

At this point Sherman had woken and come downstairs. When he saw the mess and Carmilla's unsuccessful attempts to coax Laura away, he stepped in. "Carmilla go run a cold bath in her bathroom, I'll get her up there." She turned, taking in his statement in between bouts of fear and worry, and then stepped away quickly to do as he said. 

Sherman came to stand behind his daughter, like Carmilla had, and pulled her into him enough to pick her up and carry her bridal style. Laura's eyes stayed trained to her hands. Her entire body was shaking slightly, her breaths were erratic and heavy, and her were eyes watering, likely from the pain. 

When he brought her into the bathroom, Carmilla was seated on the toilet lid, staring at the bath slowly filling with cold water. He carefully set Laura down in the bottom of the tub, removing her slippers and leaving to get ice to cool down her burns faster. 

Carmilla, seeing Laura's state, quickly realized what was going on. The shattering of the mug had sent Laura into a paralyzing panic attack. When Carmilla was a kitten vampire she had them frequently, not knowing how to deal with her own death and the deaths her family. 

She knew that the fear that consumed the mind could only be categorized as pure unadulterated terror. It left you paralyzed, your heart beating so fast, but feeling so constricted, like your entire chest was being crushed under boulders or all the air and space was sucked from every cell until they were so tightly packed they no longer moved. As if to adapt your body started to go numb and burn at the same time. You would shake and your breaths would become ragged and heavy. Your mind would burn and become unclear with all the clouds of smoke. It was like having a million voices yelling all at once, making it impossible to think or form any coherent thought other than fear. 

It was a dangerous place to be, especially on your own.

After Sherman had brought the ice and put it in the water, her left to go clean up the mess. When he left, she stripped her shirt and pants, leaving herself in a tank top and underwear. She carefully pushed Laura forward far enough to climb in behind her. She stretched her legs out to either side of her, wrapping her arms around Laura's and pinned them to her chest. 

It was slightly awkward and very cold, but Carmilla knew that talking wouldn't work right then. The only way to help Laura was to make her feel secure.


End file.
